How Do I Live by My Values? A Helpful Tool to Get You Started

Learning how to live by your values can help you become the person you want to be. The Choice Point is a tool that can help you determine if you are living by your values or if you’re moving further away from the person you want to be.

This is a companion piece to the Choice Point post. For this to make more sense please read that post first.

A Useful Navigation Tool

Values serve as our internal compass. When we pay attention to what we care about we are more likely to make choices that help us go down the path we want to take. Self-actualization, a concept popularized by psychologist Abraham Maslow, centers on the realization of one's full potential (See more about this here). By living in accordance with our values, we move closer towards becoming the person we aspire to be. So, how do we do that? How do we live by our values?

Knowing your values is one thing. A quick internet search will give you heaps of lists of words that could be your values. I’d recommend choosing no more than three to five of these words to get started. We cannot prioritize everything all at once. Then, use the Choice Point to plug in these values to any given situation. Here’s what it looks like before we fill one out.

The Dreaded Dishes

Imagine getting home from work after a long day and suddenly your eyes fall upon the pile of dishes in the sink. Immediately, your brain says, “I can’t believe they left dishes in the sink AGAIN!” This thought along with the emotions, sensations, urges, and impulses has now become a Situation. When a situation arises, our brain’s priority is to make us feel better fast. On autopilot, it will always choose temporary relief over a long term positive outcome. In this instance, your brain decides; “Well you know what? It’s not my turn to do the dishes. I’m not dealing with this.” Then you plop down in the living room and play games for three hours.

This is nothing against playing games (personally I love them). But in this example, we’ll know you were Hooked by your desire to get away from the Situation because as soon as you stop playing games (a distraction, avoidance method) you will probably be right back where you started or worse. In this situation, you may have the original uncomfortable feelings and now on top of them a sense of bitterness or resentment. I also can’t imagine you would be having much fun playing games in this kind of mindset. For some, this is how controllers can get broken.

This is what the Choice Point will look like before we put in our unique details.

Dish Do Over

Now, same situation. Dishes in the sink. Big emotions and thoughts about it. But this time, we pause just after the Situation stirs up inside of us and we think to ourselves. Alright, I’m feeling irritated and disappointed. If I were behaving like the person I want to be, how would I choose to handle this Situation?

If I were behaving like the person I want to be, how would I choose to handle this Situation?

This time you think about what your values are. In this example, let’s say your values are Adventure, Creativity, and Curiosity. You decide the dishes aren’t in your way, you don’t need any of them, and you’d rather spend your evening playing games. Choosing to intentionally spend the evening playing games with these values would now become a values-guided committed action. Now we’re not avoiding the drama of the dishes. Now, instead, we’re choosing how we would want to spend our evening.

Despite how it looks, the Choice Point isn’t black and white. It has some lovely nuance to it. The same behavior can be on either side. The difference will be more subtle. Towards moves that help you move Towards the person you want to be will have short term uncomfortable experiences (like dishes still being in the sink), but long term positive outcomes (like being satisfied with how you spent your evening). Away moves will have short term relief (no longer looking at the dishes), but long term negative outcomes (like bitterness towards whoever’s turn it was to do them).

Disorderly Dishes

I’ve given this exact scenario enough times to know that many of my clients will respond to this scenario with, “But the dishes?!” They really want to know what we’re going to do about the dishes still being in the sink. The short, possibly unsatisfying answer is it depends on your values. Let’s change up the values a bit and see the same scenario including the same initial response to seeing the dishes.

This person’s values include Order, Efficient, and Competent. This time, when the person is on autopilot and their Situation pops up their mind will probably Hook them with its Rules, Reasons, and Judgments. It may say things like ‘I have to do everything around here’ or ‘I shouldn’t have fun until all the chores are done’ or ‘I’m not a good person if I play while there are tasks left undone.’ It may make the Situation worse by bombarding the person with obsessive thoughts about the dishes or even worse emotions like a sense of guilt. Now, to make these unpleasant Situations leave, the person gives up and goes to wash the dishes before going to play Xbox. Again, they feel better once the dishes are done, but in the long term probably are building resentment about ‘having to do everything around here.’

Orderly Do Over

Same scenario with these same values, but this time the person pauses at the Choice Point. “If I were behaving like the person I want to be, how would I choose to handle this Situation?” They might reason that even though the dishes aren’t their responsibility, they would prefer to have at least the counter space cleared before they sit down to play. They may do some dishes just because they want the dishes to be done (Order) versus attempting to manage uncomfortable obsessive thoughts about the dishes. (Which is what Order may look like if it became a Hook).

A Note About Values

Please note that all values can become Hooks. All values must equally go in both directions at once to be a value and not a Hook pulling you away from where you are going. For example, the value of Order can easily begin to encourage you to have compulsive behaviors if it starts dragging you around (which is no longer being Orderly). A value like Kindness may mean self-sacrificing so much that you lose yourself (and therefore are no longer being Kind toward yourself). Figuring out what this balance looks like for you can be much easier with an objective, outside observer like a counselor.

Use Your Compass to Live By Your Values

Using your values to make decisions no matter how big or how small can help you grow into the person that you want to become. Checking yourself to figure out if you are on the path you want to be on with tools like the Choice Point can be a valuable way to acknowledge our very human mistakes and make a game plan for getting back on track when needed. It’s normal to get Hooked and dragged Away from where we are trying to go. Skills for getting Unhooked can be developed and improved over time. Engaging in counseling services is one way to develop the skills you need to move Towards the person you want to become. Values give us the heading we need to move in the direction we want to go in.